What does it mean to “hold space” for someone – without giving advice?

Listening is powerful. We all have a deep need to be witnessed – to be seen and heard. Being a spiritual mentor is an invitation to me daily to walk my talk. Some of what I teach is still a challenge to my personality.

Recently I taught a workshop, The Sensation of Emotion, at the Jung Center of Houston. The work is a step by step how-to of emotional intelligence. During the day, one of our explorations was connecting with sensations in our bodies, while supported by a partner.

Partner 1 turned her focus inward, scanned her body and noticed what sensations were calling her attention – while Partner 2 “held space” for her.

Holding Space

Here’s what holding space entails:

First of all, the person holding space does not try to influence her partner’s experience in any direct way. Instead, she holds a space of permission for her partner to do what she needs to do.

This can be easier said than done. For many of us, it is a new concept – to simply listen and stay present in a conversation – to not give advice, try to fix a situation or change our partner’s experience. Even though we may be well-meaning, giving advice can interfere when someone needs time to listen to themselves – to connect with their inner knowing.

When we give advice – unless it is requested directly – several things are possibly going on.

• We are making ourselves feel better by offering a solution.
• We aren’t staying present to the sensations in our own bodies. If we are overly emphatic, we may “merge” with another, feeling their emotions, their feelings while losing touch with our own. This creates confusion.
• We may feel compelled to be useful – to move the focus away from feeling, which can be uncomfortable.
• We may never have been told that LISTENING IS ENOUGH

After our partner-assisted exploration of the sensations of emotion, we came together as a group again and shared our experiences. We had a great conversation about the desire to help someone – the urge to give advice.

One woman said, “It was so relaxing – to hold space without trying to guide my partner or give her advice. I have had a habit of giving advice to people, even when they don’t ask for it.”

Another said, “It was such a relief not to give advice. I felt calm. I found I could simply sit with my partner and give her my attention – without having to feel what she felt, or see it as a problem that I needed to help her solve.”

Even though as a spiritual coach, I teach this work–and I’ve been practicing this in my own life for 4 years, I still occasionally catch myself giving advice – to a client, friend or family member. When I notice I am doing so, I check in with my body. I notice my body feels tense. When I sit in presence and listen with undivided attention, my body feels relaxed and expansive.

Coaching doesn’t mean I have completely mastered these teachings. I’m on the path just as you are. Touching in with the sensations in my body helps me remember that advice is not needed – unless advice has been requested.

When we listen to someone and stay present, our attention isn’t divided between listening and problem-solving.

Our partner can feel the difference. Our partner feels supported – she can be present to her own experience. She feels reassured that it’s OK to feel whatever she’s feeling.

Within every one of us is a wise knower who knows what we need. When we hold space for another to have their experience without our interference, we do it in the spirit of affirming their connection to their inner knower.

We are all directly connected to Source. Our connection may be buried under bodily tension and noisy thoughts, but it is there.

In relationships, trust is built on the non-invasive, non-judgmental quality of your presence. Practice being allowing and holding space in your daily life – and see what happens. I’d love to hear your reflections in the comment box below.