“There is a crack, a crack, in everything.
That’s how the Light gets in.
That’s how the Light gets in.” — Leonard Cohen
Many readers know I have a trauma history. Many people experience trauma, or know and love someone who has.
“The wound is the place where Light enters you.” — Rumi
The legacy of trauma is scary and lonely, bringing feelings of isolation, shame, unworthiness, cynicism, futility and depression. Trauma can create or exacerbate mental illness, physical health issues, social discomfort and failure to thrive. For various reasons related to our nervous systems, beliefs and body memories, trauma can create patterns of re-traumatization, which can take years of conscious effort to change. That’s why receiving support, kindness and awareness is essential. We can’t do it alone.
Ironically, traumatized people often do not feel safe enough to receive support, and may not recognize it when it is genuinely offered. They may be highly defended against receiving.
In my thinking, I understood the teaching that every trauma contains a gift. A Cherokee medicine woman spoke of this in her prayer in a sweat lodge. The truth of her words blessed me, landing in my belly like nourishing food.
For years, I searched for the gifts in my past experiences. I deeply desired Light to pour in through the wounds.
It was easy for me to see the negatives. I would think, “yeah, yeah, yeah…..sure there’s a gift. It’s made me who I am–blah blah blah.” If I could, I would have traded the trauma for something easier, lighter. Who would I have been, without trauma messing up my life?
The positives seemed like a Pollyanna fantasy. When people told me good things about myself, I did not believe them. I suspected they were trying to trick me. Or maybe they couldn’t see me clearly. I did not let good feelings in. There was no place inside me for praise or compliments to land.
With ongoing help from Akash, which brings me wisdom, compassion and insight in a very personal way, and Flower Essences, which help me change my habitual patterns, along with help from healers and teachers, I began to uncover the treasure that was buried under the rubble of shock, grief, rage, anxiety, self-criticism and fear.
Despite setbacks along the way, and my own stubbornness, I persisted. The way was crooked, full of detours, wrong turns and dead ends. Even so, I felt compelled to keep trying. At times I felt lost in total darkness, isolated, unlovable and alone. Eventually, I would recover my purpose and renew my commitment to healing. It was like riding waves. Another wave of healing potential would rise up from the Akashic field, and it would carry me to a new place.
If I can be graced with the gift of healing, so can you. You don’t have to do something extraordinary, or be a certain way to deserve it.
Grace is given to you, to me, to all of us. Without exception.
Over time, my heart began to open to the gifts at the core of the trauma. I began to feel compassion for myself and everyone involved. I became less judgmental. I owned my capacity to be All Things, including Victim and Perpetrator. Eventually I did not identify with being either. I am human, with the capacity for goodness and evil, and everything in between.
The Aramaic roots of the word evil mean “unripe fruit.” Aramaic is the language Jesus spoke. Growing up, I cringed whenever I heard the word evil. But once I learned the roots of the word, I relaxed. I grow fruit trees: lemons, oranges and figs. I know fruit will not ripen until conditions are right.
In this life, there is right and wrong. There are victims and perpetrators. Perpetrators do not know that what they do to another, they do to themselves. Their belief in separation rules their behavior. Victims may tend to either become perpetrators, or be re-victimized, thus continuing the wheel of karma.
Once I experienced this knowing in my heart, it spread like clarity through the cells of my body, bringing peace and softness.
First I got it in my consciousness, then my heart, then my body. Perhaps it could happen in any order, but it needs to happen on all 3 levels, to stick.
Every time I experience a breakthrough in my personal healing, my awareness expands. My capacity to help others naturally grows stronger. My work with clients becomes more effective, which makes it more fun and joyful.
I can turn, extend a hand, and help someone else through the Matrix. When you have a breakthrough, so can you, no matter what you do for your profession.
I share my personal story to illustrate one pathway from trauma to Light. There are many paths. Yours is unique to you. But all share certain qualities: searching, feeling lost, meeting inner demons, persisting against odds, finding inner strength, meeting allies and emerging, new born, with a sense of purpose, passion, presence and power. The Hero’s Journey.
Next: My personal story of trauma.
