What do you do when someone tells you to “just let go?”

How many times has a well-meaning friend, relative or counselor told you, when you were feeling “stuck” in a painful place – thinking the old same thoughts again and again, or experiencing recurring feelings that haven’t resolved – to JUST LET GO?

I know that I’ve been told this many times over the years – and it hasn’t been helpful.

The thing about letting go is – how do you do it?

If we knew how to do let go – we would just do it. It’s not that simple. It sounds simple…but it’s not. Desirable, yes.

What is letting go all about?

How do we let go?

When someone tells you to let go, ask them to talk more about letting go. Listen to see if they tell you how, in such a way that you can let go.

When someone says “just let go of it,” what it sounds like they are asking is for us to move beyond or recover from something we have experienced, some event that impacted our nervous systems in such a way that we keep replaying it over and over again – even though it happened years ago, or months or days. We are being asked to make something that was important to us when it happened in the past – unimportant in the present.

Why are we “holding on to it” – as they say? Are we stuck in the past?

We are “holding on” because the experience has imprinted our nervous systems – not because we want to hold on. Our bodies have evolved with mechanisms that generate a neurological reaction to what happens, or to what is said. Our nervous systems respond to stimuli by making adaptations. If something very intense happens – or happens repeatedly or at a very young age, our reaction is stronger and more deeply embedded. It becomes ingrained.

Holding on happens in our biology. Our bodies become programmed, in a sense, to repeat the cycle.

So how do we let go? What is the mechanism for letting go?

When someone tells me to let go, what I hear – when I ground what they are really saying to me, is “You are going into a territory that is uncomfortable for me. I don’t have the skills to support you through it. I’m asking you to let go – so I don’t have to hear about it anymore.”

People want to help, but when they can’t – and you are truly stuck – their suggestions can sound dismissive. They can have the undercurrents of a good-bad right-wrong conversation – of judgment. “It’s wrong to be stuck.”

When we are stuck, feeling judged for it is really not helpful! We may already feel frustrated.

Sometimes – when someone tells me I just need to let go, what I listen is – “I’m getting lost in the content of what you are saying. I can’t stay in the witness mode – therefore I can’t help you reframe the situation in such a way that your nervous system calms down.” The listener may themselves be getting activated – you may have touched a nerve in them – something they have not resolved in their biology.

People want to help. When they can’t help, they get frustrated. When they are frustrated, they tend not to own it. Instead of saying, “I’m feeling frustrated. I’ve reached the limit of my capacity or willingness to facilitate you – or to stay present while you share.” It’s as if they join us in being stuck.

How to let go starts with loosening your grip.

When I feel stuck, I start loosening my grip by tuning in to my body and my breath. I usually can identify a place, say in my gut, where I feel a tight sensation – it can even feel like something is pinching me. It can feel like the memory is holding on to me and won’t let go of me.

I once told a coach who was trying to help me let go of my story – “it feels like a hungry tiger – I have to feed it.” At that time, I needed to tell my story to someone who could hear it, who could bear witness to what I’d experienced – without judging me or any of the players in the story – someone who could be spacious and kind, and stay present – without trying to fix me.

At some stages of letting go, that is what we need. Being witnessed and held in that way can allow us to turn our attention more directly to our bodies.

How do we loosen our grip? We begin by relaxing the muscles of our bodies and talking ourselves down. Begin to tell yourself “All is well” again and again. Speak to yourself in reassuring ways. Allow space for the stuckness to be there. Don’t make it wrong. Tune into it.

As you stay present to the sensations – and witness them without getting swept into them, you’ll notice that they tend to soften. When they soften, you are loosening your grip. As you continue to stay present, being allowing, being kind – holding space for what is happening in the moment – you can say to yourself: “I’m here for you. I’m staying right here. There is space to feel just what I’m feeling.”

By taking these actions, you are opening new possibilities in your nervous system. You are meeting tension with calm. You are building a tolerance for the disruption, and beginning to see it as temporary.

What can happen for you over time is that the pinched, tight sensation gets smaller and smaller. As it softens, it may expand – becoming more spacious, less dense. It may begin to move. You will eventually experience the sensation as a wave of energy moving through you. When the wave crests, it dissolves again into the calm lake of a peaceful body.

This is the heart of emotional connection work. An emotion is a physical sensation coupled with a thought. When we address our thoughts, the physical sensations change. When the physical sensation changes, our thoughts change. When there is no longer a charge – anxious thoughts or physical tension around the memory – we have let go.

If we make Emotional Connection our practice, we ourselves become the kind person we need – one who can hear our story with compassion – not judging ourselves. We can bear witness to our own stories – we can be spacious and stay present to ourselves. We don’t need to be fixed. There is nothing broken.